Now this post is going to be a bit more raw and personal than the others. I am letting you all in on something I am not quite sure I've admitted fully to myself as yet. Here goes...lately, love has been on my mind! I am talking about romantic love y'all (but deeper...keep reading)... blushes urghhh I'm such a girl right now (lol). But yes, I have been thinking about my person in a more tangible way. Let me explain...but first let's look back real quick...
As some may know I have been single since 2017 and the truth is if we're really taking notes or going on relationship length then I have probably only been in one serious relationship which would make me single since 2009. Either way it has gotten so bad that I am expected to show up by myself to events etc. including weddings...I know right...but at some point in the process of singleness I was veiled - as in concealed spiritually. At first this was had to bare but eventually I saw the blessing that it was. With no one attracted or interested in me I was able to find myself...my true self...my God identity.
This strengthened my relationship with God and community (those God positioned to help me walk out this leg of my journey). I never felt like I was called to a life of singleness but I did have moments where I felt lonely and even at times forgotten yet I knew otherwise because God was kind enough to bless me with a couple promises and He's give confirmations and revelations along the way. Did that mean it was easy? Nope! But it was comforting and always timely. I was being developed and sometimes that requires darkness...oftentimes it requires silence and separation.
Now, however, I feel as if I am being guided out of concealment. It's like I'm being held up to the light to test my development. God said one thing and other things keep presenting to see if I know or more so believe what I heard and furthermore if I trust in who said it and His perfect timing. I have been doing my best to be obedient; moreover to stay in position when nothing looks like what He (God) has said. Yet, there is this desire that is no more overwhelming, or overpowering but present. Obvious to mostly me in its consistency...a craving in the midst of contentment. It's not consuming but it is constant. It feels Godly...as if it's something He has placed on me...somewhat like a Ministry.
I desire love but not any kind of love, KINGDOM love...not what the world calls love but unconditional love...love that is inexplainable because it is soul deep, spirit deep, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh deep, rib deep, two becoming one (all while still having clothes on) deep. I desire marriage...not a wedding that is over in a day but a life long commitment that glorifies the one who made us wait. I desire ministry not just a romantic joining but a spiritual merging of everything with Christ at the helm and center - the original order. Lately, love has been on my mind - my husband, our children, life and legacy but more so our ministry. I am ready for love but not ordinary love, sacrificial love...love that serves not just me, not just another (him) but communities and nations over. A love that's bigger than him and I, one that extends far and wide. I am ready for love...husband, I am ready for you!
It's funny the way we somehow expect that at some point things will settle out and we'll get to sustain that order for a bit. I imagined the disciples felt quite the same when they were on the boat he
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